Sunday, November 2, 2008

Words are flowing out like Endless rain in to a paper cup....

I just got back from Mexico. A week in which I should be having a blast. For some reason I didn't. It wasn't the people I was with or the resort we stayed at. It was me. I felt like I was being suffocated. I felt locked in. Almost claustrophobic. I am usually a very free person. But I guess in the past couple of years I have set some deep roots in places I didn't think existed. Am I only self assuring in my own environment? 
Not to mention, the pictures taken of me really were not appealing. I was doing really awesome for years, and now the weight has crept back up onto me. I see it smearing up my face like an ink blot of subcutaneous tissue around my head. Really not good. So what new thing am I going to do now? I did the grapefruit diet before and it went really well. For 3 days that is. I guess I want to be kind of destructive at this moment. It's november, I have 2 months to look nice in the next round of pictures that is going to show up.
And work... I really don't want to go back. I almost want to start another job. Somewhere where I will be content. This place is a good place, in theory. It is the people that make is chaotic. Or am I making it chaotic? I am going to sit back and watch the show until I make my next appearance. I wonder if anyone else does this. Try to fade into the background. Maybe I will do more things on my own. Like I used to. I lived by myself for a bit and enjoyed every minute of it. I pretty much lived in an RV in a basement. Everyone that saw it looked at me and sighed. The kind of sigh that was like "Oh Soulnurse, couldn't you have made a better choice?". But I didn't want to. I was completely content in my own little world I had made for myself. 
And facebook. This addiction is sick. It is like my smoking habit. I would love to leave it, but I enjoy it so much, and it will still be there if I quit. It's a weird way of looking at it, but it's true. If smoking ceased to exist if I quit it, I would. But how come I can't do it if other people can?
With FB, I look inside other people's lives and see how fun and creative they are. I don't see that in me. I need to focus on my creativity. I would love to just be alone and work at something for days. Walk the empty streets of the city, and breath in only air available to me. I guess I am sort of envious of my life when I dream. Maybe I am becoming depressed. 

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