Sunday, November 2, 2008

Words are flowing out like Endless rain in to a paper cup....

I just got back from Mexico. A week in which I should be having a blast. For some reason I didn't. It wasn't the people I was with or the resort we stayed at. It was me. I felt like I was being suffocated. I felt locked in. Almost claustrophobic. I am usually a very free person. But I guess in the past couple of years I have set some deep roots in places I didn't think existed. Am I only self assuring in my own environment? 
Not to mention, the pictures taken of me really were not appealing. I was doing really awesome for years, and now the weight has crept back up onto me. I see it smearing up my face like an ink blot of subcutaneous tissue around my head. Really not good. So what new thing am I going to do now? I did the grapefruit diet before and it went really well. For 3 days that is. I guess I want to be kind of destructive at this moment. It's november, I have 2 months to look nice in the next round of pictures that is going to show up.
And work... I really don't want to go back. I almost want to start another job. Somewhere where I will be content. This place is a good place, in theory. It is the people that make is chaotic. Or am I making it chaotic? I am going to sit back and watch the show until I make my next appearance. I wonder if anyone else does this. Try to fade into the background. Maybe I will do more things on my own. Like I used to. I lived by myself for a bit and enjoyed every minute of it. I pretty much lived in an RV in a basement. Everyone that saw it looked at me and sighed. The kind of sigh that was like "Oh Soulnurse, couldn't you have made a better choice?". But I didn't want to. I was completely content in my own little world I had made for myself. 
And facebook. This addiction is sick. It is like my smoking habit. I would love to leave it, but I enjoy it so much, and it will still be there if I quit. It's a weird way of looking at it, but it's true. If smoking ceased to exist if I quit it, I would. But how come I can't do it if other people can?
With FB, I look inside other people's lives and see how fun and creative they are. I don't see that in me. I need to focus on my creativity. I would love to just be alone and work at something for days. Walk the empty streets of the city, and breath in only air available to me. I guess I am sort of envious of my life when I dream. Maybe I am becoming depressed. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Old Soul, New World.

I started nursing school in 2006. It was a dream. I got a call the day that classes started and was asked if I was still interested. I cried and laughed the whole way to school. I opened the door to the classroom to find a small class of fresh faced people and a very small instructor. This was my first group. It was harmonious. Unfortunately, with the lack of instructors we had our group break apart into other groups. Friendships flourished and some wilted. All in all, it was an experience. I was got really good marks in clinical when all that I was doing was learning how to survive. Some days I felt like I was on the top of the world. Other days I was underneath it. 
Nursing in itself is another world, and through these glimpses we call "clinical" all of us as students got our taste of it. This is when the line was drawn between those who felt that they could delve deeper into this world and there were some who did not want to go back. It's not surprising. 

Picture this: You walk onto a new unit. Your pockets are full of notebooks, pens, stethoscope, sheets of paper with things you have written on the night before to help you get by even though you will never look at it, and your medication cheat notes. You and your band of sisters (and at times brothers) are as pale as the fluorescent lights shining onto the sterilized unit. Your given two days buddied with a nurse who either thinks you are a complete idiot and ignores your existence or your a buddied with a nurse who thinks you are a complete idiot and over explains every little detail about anything. This is when you want to be on your own. Okay brain, its you and me. I will feed you with coffee and you will make me look good in front of everyone and not kill anyone. Okay?

Then there is the instructor: the people that make this look easy. Most of the time. They walk down the white hallways in their scrubs along with you. They have the power to make you or destroy you all in the same day. 

Then you find your zone, the area in which you can safely breakdown and build back up in seconds. I chose the clean storage place of any clinical I was in. It was safe, clean and the blanket warmer lived there. Plus the instructors never seemed to find me there. I was not hiding, just taking me time to talk with the linen.